Sexual expectations is something we don’t seem to talk about enough for understandable reasons – it’s an uncomfortable subject to discuss. But we can’t keep shying away from it forever, can we?
Let me paint a scenario for you real quick.
Adam just recently got into a romantic relationship with Victoria, a beautiful woman who he has been wooing for a while. He has lofty expectations based on how he wants his sexual life to be, but he finds out that his reality is very different from his imaginations. Over time, his discontentment has transformed him into a resentful partner.
It sucks to be like Adam, but this also describes many of our Nigerian brothers in relationships and it begs the question, ‘how can we manage unrealistic sexual expectations in our relationships?’
Well, to do that, you have to first pinpoint the root of the problem.
Identifying Unrealistic Expectations
This has two categories – the origin of these expectations and the signs that they’re present in a relationship.
Where Do Our Unrealistic Sexual Expectations Come From?
- Media Portrayal: Romantic or love-themed movies or books are beautiful to watch/read, but they do more harm than good to certain people. In this context, that ‘harm’ is creating an utopian perception of what sex or love is supposed to be. And the more you consume such media content, the deeper you get sucked in, and the higher your expectations become. Some people want a relationship where they get daily action in the bedroom (multiple times a day). It’s funny but true.
- Pornography: This is perhaps the biggest origin of unrealistic sexual expectations in relationships. Imagine comparing your sex life to two professional adult actors who are filmed having sex for hours possibly with the aid of sex enhancers and several edits in between. Have you now seen how absurd that is?
- Assumptions: This is an under-the-radar problem, but it’s quite common in relationships of today. In this situation, you’re assuming your partner is sexually compatible with you but it turns out the sex isn’t as frequent as you hoped and this breeds disappointment when you realise your libidos are not on the same wavelength.
Signs of Unrealistic Sexual Expectations in Relationships
If you notice some of the following signs in your relationship, it’s a clear indication that you’re on this table:
- You’re always comparing your sex life with pornstars, movie or novel characters
- You always want the sex to lead to an orgasm
- You often shame or guilt-trip your partner for not wanting sex at any particular moment
- You expect your partner to always initiate
- You’re disappointed that your partner doesn’t have the same sexual preferences that you do
- You expect your man to last a certain duration and anything less is considered a fiasco
- You always feel pressured to get creative in the bedroom so the sex doesn’t get boring
Now, to the part you’ve all been waiting for.
Tips on How to Handle Unrealistic Sexual Expectations
- You need to first understand that fictional or filmed portrayals of sexual intimacy may look or feel good, but they’re very different from how it is in reality. There are times you may not last as long as you want or have an orgasm and you need to accept that it’s okay.
- Accept your partner for who they are and acknowledge that you’re both from different backgrounds and have diverse sexual preferences
- Openly and honestly communicate with your partner on your sexual expectations and have them do the same. Talking about it helps a lot because it takes away that burden and helps you both find your way around to what works
- You need to understand that your partner may not be in the mood every time you want sex and be considerate of their feelings
- Appreciate the individuality of your partner and acknowledge that they’re their own person, not your property. When you accept the fact that your partner’s bodies don;t belong to you, it will help to curb any sense of sexual entitlement you may have.
- Cut down on the amount of pornographic videos or romance movies you consume so that you won’t feel compelled to imitate what you see there.
- Be willing to compromise to find a common ground sexually with your partner. For instance, if you have a stronger libido than your partner and can’t have sex all the time, be willing to meet them in the middle to create a win-win situation.
It may surprise you to know that unreal sexual expectations have ruined many relationships, but this is why knowing how to handle them can’t be overemphasised. Now that you’re aware of the origins of this problem and how to detect it, you should be ready to tame these ‘sexpectations’ and save your relationship. And when you do that, you can perhaps be a hero and help others facing the same problem you overcame. Until next time!
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